| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2007|11:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | steel drumz 'n wavez | ] |
Earlier this evening I was on Flickr.com, browsing pictures of tropical beaches, island resorts, and cruise ships at sunset, and I thought to myself, "I really would love to go to some Caribbean paradise. I'd sleep in until 10, then go down to the beach and put on suntan lotion and lay out for a couple of hours, enjoying a refreshing smoothie (possibly with some coconut rum in it) and listening to the crashing waves and swishing palms. Then, to cool down, I'd go for a swim in the crystal clear water for an hour or so. Then it's time to go back to the hotel room for a cold sandwich and a late afternoon nap. Dinner would involve dressing in a white polo shirt and lightweight khakis and going down to some outdoor restaurant where you can dine on a candlelit porch overlooking the beach in the magical moonlight.
Inspired, I drove to the grocery store, came back, and whipped together the closest thing to an "island feast" I could improvise this late at night. I set the mood by turning up the space heater in my room, dimming the lights, and changing into beachy clothes. I had a salad of fresh radicchio and butter lettuce tossed in honey balsamic dressing, broiled marinated mahimahi, crabcakes, and rice pilaf with a bottle of white wine while listening to a loop of ocean waves and Caribbean steel drums. When I was finished and the wine began to take its effect, I allowed myself to get carried away to a fantasy future where I'm with a significant other and we're in love and I'm happier than I ever thought I would be.
Miss Chloe Ginger just came into my room and she's purring up a storm. It's funny how cats will meow in pain when you pick them up when they don't want to be held, yet later they come up to you purring and brushing up against you, begging for affection. It's rare for Chloe to be in such an affectionate mood, so even though she doesn't exactly fit in to my Caribbean fantasy, I will give her all the attention she desires. Or maybe she just smells the mahimahi.
I hope I find someone, anyone who I could have a real connection with. I hope my life is a happy one, no matter what I end up doing, be it acting, directing, designing houses, restoring historic buildings, or even something completely different. I hope I have the financial freedom before I'm too old to be able to visit exotic places that I've always wanted to explore. I don't want five cars or multiple properties all over the world, but I do want to be able to afford nice dinners at fine restaurants, tickets to shows and operas that I want to see, and a house that I can make into my own personal utopia, no matter where it is. It's funny how you fantasize about your life as a "grown up" when you're young, and no matter how life does turn out, inevitably it's different from what you imagined. Not better or worse, mind you, just different. In a strange way, that makes me sad. That's probably because I'm the type of person who sends my mind on something and pursues it until I achieve it, even if it's something silly like having a "tropical feast" at midnight in Stafford, Virginia. I need to accept that I'm not God and no matter how I wish events to unfold, inevitably life will be something else. That's the frustrating yet exciting thing about life. No matter what, though, I won't be living here much longer. I feel like I'm in limbo here, and time is passing in reality yet in my mind it's standing still. I'm going to be turning 24 in July and yet I can't seem to comprehend that sometimes. I'm still so inexperienced romantically, and my career is still up in the air. Will I find success as a film actor? Will I be chosen for "On the Lot"? Will I go back to grad school and become a licensed architect? Will I settle down in Virginia, California, South Carolina, New York, or somewhere else completely? Will I get married and have children? So many questions - I just want my life to actually START. I must move to L.A. before I turn 24, and I must put all of my energy into getting into shape so I won't be a lonely chub forever.
Chloe is gone, and my bottle of pinot grigio is empty. Woe is me. I'm still listening to the steel drums and ocean waves, and it's so beautiful. Sometimes I am reminded of how beautiful the world is, such as when I was looking at pictures of tropical islands. I mean, I'm not a Parrot Head who's obsessed with palm trees and parrots, but I can appreciate the beauty of such a landscape "as much as the next fat person," as Trunchbull would say. I want to go snorkling and look down at all of the different species of fish and see coral reefs. God, our planet is so amazing and yet we're lazy hooligans who vandalize it and destroy it and it's revolting. As soon as I can afford to buy a new car, I'm trading in my jeep for a hybrid, and no matter where I end up living, I must have an active role in helping to preserve the wonders of our planet Earth, for she is too dear and too wonderful to be anything but her absolute FINEST. There is some new miniseries filmed on high definition that's coming on the Discovery Channel about Earth that looks fascinating and I can't wait to buy it on DVD. I really HATE HATE HATE ignorant fools who believe that "God" made the planet for us to use and abuse as much as we see fit and don't care if obscure species become endangered or extinct - I am getting nauseous just thinking about these stupid idiots. I feel guilt that I drive a car that gets, what, a whopping 16 miles to the gallon? That's inexcusable. I do not want to hurt my Mother Nature in any way. Hybrid, here I come!
I want to be a GREAT actor who turns into a GREAT director soooooo baaaaaaadly. I need to make an imprint in film history. I love films so much and I love acting and directing so much. God, please help me achieve these wishes.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not I actually believe in God. I mean, I was raised Christian and I think there are many great things about Christianity, such as loving all people and trying not to judge others, even though they may be very different from you, for what right have you to judge? Only God has that right. Yet, sometimes, I wonder if God is really there. I mean, who created God? And there are so many things in the Bible that don't make sense to me. Morally, I don't believe it's wrong that some people love members of the same sex. There are other, non-moral issues in the Bible that don't make sense to me, either. I don't believe that Noah fit two of every kind of animal in his wooden ark. I don't believe it never rained on Earth until God flooded it, either. I believe Christ was a great philosopher and moralist and I agree 100% with Christ's teachings, but was he the mortal son of God?! Did Mary actually become pregnant as a virgin?!? I just have so many doubts. I guess right now I would call myself "undecided" or "agnostic." I would like to believe there is a God, and I would like to believe there's an afterlife after our time here on Earth is spent, but I just don't know if there's any PROOF of this. I am afraid of hell though, and I wonder if this is because I was raised in such a Christian household that I can never completely disregard that notion.
Sometimes I think if I was insanely good-looking, then all other problems with life would be... insignificant. I hate to say that, because it sounds so frivolous, but it's true. I'd rather be GORGEOUS and dim than hideous and intelligent. Why is that? Why am I so fascinated with physical beauty? I mean, I don't judge people by their looks, so why do I hold myself to a different standard? Why do I feel that I'm unworthy to feel any happiness if I'm not the most stunningly good-looking person who ever lived? I really, really don't know. I feel like I'm unworthy of love because of the way I currently look. Yet I don't believe I'd ever get plastic surgery, either. I wish I wasn't such a f****** basketcase. Human beauty is one of the wonders of life. No matter how much you think you can rise above an appreciation for it and value a person based on internal attributes, at the end of the day, when you see a gorgeous person, you are in awe. More than anything else, I wish people would look at me and think, "Wow, that's one handsome guy." Too bad that's impossible. God, life is not fair. At best I can hope to be marginally handsome. However, some days I really do believe I'm unfit for eyes to fall upon me. I should probably see a therapist, but what could he/she possibly say that would help me in this matter? I hate to admit this, but I think physical attraction is very important in a relationship, and I could never see myself ending up with someone who I didn't find physically appealing. I know that's shallow, but attraction to be is a combination of both external and internal attributes. I could never see myself with a beautiful but vain and selfish person, either.
Right now, honestly, I feel like my life kind of sucks. I just hope that soon things will turn around. That I'll be able to move, that I will find work as an actor, that I will meet someone who loves me. Until then, the only comforts are my fantasy nights of drinking and pretending I'm somewhere else and sometime else. |
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hauntedgeek's journal
ghostly
tired
drunk
awake
hopeful
hungover
